My greatest setback in life so far has been my continuous longing for, and reflection of my past. Past relationships, past successes, past achievements, past failures, past mistakes and past memories.
I have held onto the wrong that has been done to me, and even more so, the wrongs that I have done to others. Focusing on my past has chained me to where I am, limiting the heights of success that I can achieve. It has made me become complacent, believeing that I do not have to put in any work at all because everything “has come naturally to me before”. I have used my past as a cover up. It has covered up my feelings of disappointment and also my present lack of action.
I have been riding on past success at the expense of my happiness and sanity. I have let my past experiences increase my expectations of what my life right now should be, and this has caused me to freeze with inactivity.
The main problem with the past is that it keeps you stuck there, well mentally that is. It offers welcome solace and comfort when things are hard and this makes it hard to do anything. It comes with colour and splendour, exaggerating what actually happened and painting it in a light that makes things favourable to how you are feeling.
My greatest setback in life has been my focus on the past. I have lost sight of the idea that there is still more greatness to achieve and accomplish. It has made me forget and overlook the great things that are happening to me right now. Focusing on my past has made me overlook the new people in my life, thinking that all those who have left me are better and would be better. My gratitude for everything has slowly slipped and focusing on my past has made me entitled.
“Because of what happened to me, I should…”
“Because of what I accomplished back then, I should be…”
These phrases have dominated my thoughts and directed my actions. My past has moved me from the land “of “can and “will” to the land of “if” and “should”.
Focusing on my past holds me back, does it hold you?
I remember absolutely messing up an impromptu speech once. It was a public speaking society interview and I was absolutely terrified. I rehearsed the same question over and over again afterwards (as if the same question would be asked ever again). That is the effect of putting your focus on the past. It was and is absolutely absurd.
Past experiences have served to suit me and the situation that I am currently in. The same way that history is told by the victor, the past is fashioned and remoulded by the individual. Success in the past blinds me from the process that brought it about. It makes me beleive that the situation is similar and that circumstances play no role in the outcome. It also convinces me that times have changed, so I am allowed to do wrong and harmful things.
I find it funny how everytime I seem to be making headway, when I am happy, when I am on the rise and things are going well, something from my past happens to spring up into my sphere of attention. It forces me to slow down and look back. I am slowed down by the memories of a life once lived, moments once experienced and feelings once felt. The timing of this “wonderful” process always happens to be at a time when there is healing and progress in life. I wonder why.
Focusing on my past will hold me back, will it do the same to you?
Learning from my past and using it to grow or as a stepping stone has not been the issue. The issue has been sitting back and wishing for the past. Giving undue attention and unnecessary emotions to past hardships and wrongs have been the big issue. Trying to change past mistakes and errors in a bid to make me feel better or vindicated has been a major detriment to my progress. The past can never be changed and I have battled with coming to terms with this principle of life. Trying to change what I have done or has been done to me has made me keep toxic people in my life and has chained me to old ways of thinking that serve no purpose for where I am today.
Like a room used to house mental assylum patients, (those white ones with the padded walls and no window), the past has kept me in one place, everything seeming to be fine when they really are not. Nostalgia has created a utopian escape from what is going on in the present moment and has kept me from accepting what is going on.
The past comes dressed in fine linen and soft silks. Dressed like a friend and companion, it comes to make you feel comfortable. The past comes in the form you most desire and need, making you lower your guard and allow its poisonous influence to take a hold on your life. Like a water siren, luring men to their deaths, focusing on the past and trying to change certain aspects of it chokes your dreams and your future. Focusing on your past dims the light at the end of your tunnel and distracts you from where you are headed and the bigger picture.
The past offers temporary solace, solace that is unwanted and unneeded. Focusing on the past makes you think that you are lacking something or will never be good at something. Focusing on the past makes you rush into making decisions prematurely. It makes you take time to make a decision, making you lose something great or something that could be great.
My focus on what happened to me in the past has affected the way in which I look at myself. My focus on what happened to me in the past has changed the way I treat other people.
Focusing on my past once hindered my progress, don’t let it hinder yours.
This question has been plaguing me for the longest time ever. The main reason that I ask myself this question is that after a month and a bit of writing, I have produced nothing more than just a few drafts that still sit incomplete on my laptop. Where before, I posted on a regular basis, burning with passion and the drive to become a “someone” in this blogging game, of late, I have been uninspired and afraid to post or come up with anything new. Nothing has been happening and it is sheer frustration and unhappiness that has driven me to go back to the drawing board with this idea, and start from the very beginning of it all.
This will be my third attempting at writing this blog and to be honest after lying to myself about why I write and why I started writing, I was close to not posting this. My motivation to start blogging were two things: I was broke, my bank account having a negative balance, and my ex and I had just broken up. I was still bitter and sour and wanted to prove that I would do just fine without her. So off I went on this journey, fueled by money and a quest to get the approval of someone who had left my life.
Where perverted will resides, a way is scarcely made.
So there I was, a grand and amazing idea, R2000 in debt to pay for my subscription and a “why” that would later fade away and lose meaning.
My main problem was the fact that my outer image was not reflecting my inner character and there was intense frustration. Now this is not a case where my inner character was good and exemplary, no. My inner character was weak, fragile and complicated. A lot of my past experiences were coming to the surface and they needed to be dealt with ASAP.
I write because it is the one place that I can really show who I am, imperfections and all. I write to come to terms with my imperfections and to hopefully make others see that there is no need for the chase to perfection. I also get the chance to come to terms with who I am as an individual and see how I can change to become the person that I want to be.
Writing allows me to remove those rose-colored glasses we always seem to wear, that paint better pictures of ourselves and the world we live in. It is these same rose-colored glasses that paint a false image and give us a false viewpoint of the world. When I write, I allow myself to look at things from a different viewpoint and almost always seem to broaden my horizon and the way I look at the world that I currently live in. There is a realism that comes to the surface when I write as I look at my situation and try come to terms with what is going on.
I write because I am afraid. I am afraid to ask questions, to voice my opinion, to go against the status quo. I am afraid of harming my false self image, of taking a stand and showing people who I really am. I am afraid of all these things and more and writing throws me into the very things I fear. I get to overcome the fear of what people will think about my opinions, whether they will agree or disagree and what people will say. Writing actually allows me to face my deepest fears head on and to be honest, after posting and receiving support like the way I have been, I gain more confidence and become a better person for it. I write as a way of breaking free from these internal limitations that have protected me from the “harmful world” that has been created by false ideals and years of conditioning.
“A problem shared, is a problem halved” and I write in a bid that somewhere out there, there is someone going through the same thing or who has experienced what I am currently going through. That way, I may be able to help someone realise something, or maybe, I could even get some valuable feedback that will help me in my time of need .
I write because I have a responsibility to share all the knowledge and viewpoints that I have gained over the years as I look to make myself a better person. The responsibility of knowledge is to share and spread it in our own way and understanding. We all have this inherent responsibility to help and teach and impart knowledge to those we come across. I guess through writing, I get to do my bit in sharing what I have learnt to people across the world.
I write as a way of coming to terms with life and not just my life and what goes on in it, but simply life in general. I get to wrap life in custom-made “Young Old Soul wrapping paper” and offer my own two-cents on issues that I feel a need to talk about and debate. The world can be a big and scary place and a lot of the time, we try to take it on alone.
“An entire sea of water can’t sink a ship unless it gets inside the ship. Similarly, the negativity of the world can’t put you down unless you allow it to get inside you.”
Goi Nasu
Negative labels are one of the biggest obstacles that people face when it comes to success. They affect the mind like cancer and become self-fulfilling prophecies that limit our true potential.
The good news is that labels can be done away with, ignored and cast away in very much the same way that they surface in our lives. I am not saying that it will be easy, take a day or two, and, boom, they are gone. Doing away with negative labels takes a lot of personal motivation, grit, determination and work. No amount of money can wipe negative labels away (if anything, it actually just makes the negative label worse).
In this blog, I am going to list down steps that you can take if you have any negative labels to overcome. I also offer some realizations that will help you keep negative labels from storming you and ruling your life.
Before I do that, however, I want to set the scene for you with an all-time favourite story of mine. Tom Brady, an American football player for the New England Patriots, has been deemed one of the greatest quarterbacks of all time. It is not his success that motivates me, no. It is his draft report before he was selected for the team. This is what it read:
POOR build
SKINNY
LACKS great physical structure and strength
LACKS mobility and the ability to avoid the rush
LACKS a strong arm
CANNOT drive the ball downfield
DOES NOT throw a tight spiral
A SYSTEM TYPE QUARTERBACK THAT BE EXPOSED IF FORCED TO ADLIB
GETS KNOCKED DOWN EASILY
When I read that draft report, I simply thought ” wow! Now they made this guy seem so useless. I wonder how they felt as he overcame and surpassed all expectations.”
How many of us have similar situations?
How many of us are wrongfully looked down upon, or simply put into a category because we have done what humans do (make mistakes)?
Well let me tell you now, all that has come to an end and I am going to help you overcome it.
The list that I will provide below is not exhaustive or in any particular order. What I aim to do is give you an idea of what it takes to overcome any limitations and boundaries that may have been set by labels.
1. IDENTIFY THE LABEL
The key to overcoming a label is to first identify what the actual label is. There is no point trying to fix something or beat something when you don’t know what that something is.
Identifying the label is about sifting through all that has been said and pick the one thing that they are saying about you. A lot of the time a label is one word or a small phrase and in the small phrase, you will find what the person is really saying about you.
In this process, you find what it is that you may need to work on, or what you need to look out for if there is a need to.
2. DISSECT THE LABEL
Just like a scientist dissects rats to see what’s inside for further scrutinizing, so too does a label need to be dissected. This involves asking questions like:
What does the label mean?
How does it relate to me?
Why was it said?
What were the circumstances that brought the action about?
Is it a “me” problem or a “them” problem?
Dissecting the labels allows you to look at the greater scheme of things and this means that you do not confine your mind to the narrow nature of the ascribed label. Your mind will begin to start formulating ways to deal with and overcome that label, which allows you to explore multiple ways of achieving success in spite of the limitations that have been set.
You begin to see all the possibilities that lie ahead of you. Dissecting the label also allows you to move forward from the barrier that has been placed in front of you. You can work on who you want to be from the position that you find yourself in.
3. LOOK AT WHO IS LABELING YOU
This step involves some discrimination. Before I explain what I mean, I would like to put up a cautionary note with this one: I am not saying look at someone based on superficial attributes like appearance, social status or income level. Karl Marx pointed out that those who are in the lower levels of society are more critical of the system because they know how it truly works, so be careful how you discriminate.
Looking at who is labelling you involves seeing whether what they are saying has substance, are they speaking from an informed stance and are they being malicious in any way. You also need to discern whether they are someone you hope to emulate in any way and what their traits are. This means looking at everything about them and what they have said in order to get a full picture of the label.
There will be a lot of people who will look to bring you down, break you, distract you from your goals and success and just simply slow you down. Look out for these people.
4. THE TWO P’S
Perseverance and Persistence. These two words and principles are at the very heart of overcoming labels and boundaries. Shaking off labels takes quite a lot of time to do, it involves making small daily steps to becoming a better person and breaking through the barrier that has been created.
As you progress, trust that there will be many people and things out there that will want to stop you from reaching your true potential. You will be faced with that negative label the more you break free and you will feel like you are making no progress. That is expected, it’s life.
Perseverance and Persistence mean moving forward. Going onwards and upwards to the person you want to become. It involves continuing on your path in the face of adversity and simply trusting the process.
5. DIG DEEP
Labels are usually shallow representations of who you are as an individual. They do not capture how intricate and complex you are as a person. Although the label may hurt for a while, it is the perfect time to dig deep, pull out the parts of you that nobody else in the world knows about and just move past it. This is when you pull out your big guns and move past the shallowness of the label, banking on your intrinsic power and magnificence.
Think of it like this, there are some foreign concepts that cannot be truly captured by an English word or phrase. If this is true of foreign concepts, like different types of love, then what more a living, breathing and thinking human being?
6. LOOK TO PROVE THEM WRONG
I once heard that the point of life is not to prove anything to anyone, but rather to prove people wrong ( or maybe I thought it up!). Think about it for a second. If someone has high hopes for you and you do not deliver, you have proved their expectations wrong. If someone looks down on you and you surpass their expectations, you have proved them wrong.
When it comes to labels, that is the best way to overcome them. It’s a simple case of:
“Oh, I am (lazy/crazy/a coward/irresponsible/careless/immature), that’s fine. I have heard you and don’t you worry, I won’t be that for long.”
And then simply go about proving them wrong silently. Your success will speak volumes for you.
7. LOOK AT YOUR GOALS AND DREAMS
These serve as your guideline and the path you must follow in order to live your best life. It is when you achieve these that you feel fulfilled as an individual.
How does this link to overcoming labels? A lot actually. Labels can serve to steer you away from your goals if you let them. They can slow you down and hamper your progress because all things come from the mind. Focusing on your goals and dreams allows you to look past the temporary label to the future that you want to lead.
Just like a fire dies when it is starved of oxygen, negative labels will die off if you focus on greater things outside their confines.
No one can run away from the reality of being labelled negatively, being called something bad or being deemed bad no matter what they do for the world. There will always be someone out there who will have something bad to say.
Successful people and not-so-successful people all get labelled negatively, the difference is how they choose to react to the label. The power is in your hands now, do you want to react like those who are successful or like those who are not satisfied with their lives?
So far I have managed to set the stage for 2019. I have listed down and explained why setting New Year’s resolutions is a waste of time. I have also offered a solution for setting New Year’s resolutions in the form of giving your year a theme or focal point.
In this short blog, which is the third and final piece to the New Year’s bundle pack, I am going to lay down the things that you need to take into consideration when setting your theme. All that I am going to do is offer up the key elements that you need to look and make sure that you have checked out in order to complete a full proof plan for the upcoming year. The rest is up to you, the floor is open and you are free to do whatever you want.
LIST DOWN IDEAS
List down ideas that appeal to you the most. Some people will be able to pick off a theme just like that off the top of their heads. Others will need more time and thinking to find the right idea and that’s perfectly fine. The key is not to rush yourself and trust the process. When the right theme comes to your mind, you will know it.
Go through all your ideas after you have written them down. I advise that you list no more than 10 ideas to pick from. As you go through your list, there should be an idea or a couple that stand out to you, put ticks next to those ones.
Continue this process of elimination until you come down to the one idea that really gets you motivated and excited. The key is not to question this idea and just go with it.
1a. LOOK BACK INTO THE YEAR
This will help you to pick your theme. It also gives you an idea of where you are at this present stage in your life. This exercise is not so that you can beat yourself up and make yourself feel hopeless. This exercise is meant to give you an idea of what you would like to work on in the upcoming year. Keep in mind that “what’s happened has happened” and you cannot change that. Learn from all your mistakes and look to move forward with the wisdom you have acquired.
1b. LOOK AT WHERE YOU WANT TO BE IN THE NEAR FUTURE
This is another exercise that could help you pick your theme. It could be where you want to be at the end of the year or where you would like to be in five years. There is no need for a specific, step-by-step blueprint of where you want to be. You do, however, need to have a fair idea of the type of person that you would like to be, what you would like to have and the impact that your name could have on others around you.
WHAT IS YOUR TOMORROW LOOKING LIKE?
2. DEFINE THE IDEA
So now you have picked your theme and you are feeling all warm inside. Now you have to define that theme. This is a very crucial part of setting a theme because you are making the theme personal and mean something to you. The world will tell you what that specific theme means, but the point is to break away from the world telling you who to be for yourself.
2019 is my year of GROWTH. This means that in 2019 I want to strecth my boundaries and redefine my comfort zone. Growth for me is coming out and blooming in a world of adversity and hardship
What does your theme mean to you?
3. BREAK YOUR THEME DOWN
In my last post, I showed you how everything is linked and how one theme just branches out and covers a whole lot of other goals. You now have your theme and you have defined it. The next thing to make sure you have done is to break down what that theme is made up of. To explain this one I am going to use the example that a very close friend of mine gave to me.
Her 2019 is themed “the year of a level 10 life”. After completing all the steps above she then wrote down what she wanted to accomplish in her year. She included the following things that needed to be worked on in order to accomplish a satisfactory level 10 life.
Level 10 life
Mental Health
Mindfulness and Spirituality
Home and physical environment
Family
Friends
Growth and pesonal development
Creativity
Finances
Fun, recreation and self-care
This step simply involves pointing out what your package includes. It’s the same principle that clothing lines use when they ask for ambassadors. They tell you what you are getting into and what you get as a benefit for becoming an ambassador.
What does your package include?
4. PLAN HOW YOU WILL ACHIEVE THIS
You have identified what it is that you would like to add to your year. It is encased by a theme that motivates you. Now you have to create your plan of action. How are you going to achieve all that you put down? Try and plan to do something towards your goal every day. The plan you want to make must be as specific as possible. Obviously, you cannot see into the future, you don’t know what will happen on a daily basis, that’s understandable. That’s why you have the theme if all else fails and you cannot plan the specific, aim to reach your theme every day. If it’s growth, look for a situation to grow every day. If it’s living a level 10 life, look to add a level to something each day. If it’s to be healthy, look to do something healthy each day (that could be just eating fruit twice during the day, buying a smoothie instead of a soft drink).
How are you going to achieve it on a daily basis?
5. GIVE YOURSELF A DEADLINE
This step refers to making sure that you regularly check on your progress as you move through the year. Give yourself a target to reach by the end of the year. A target for 9 months, for 6 months, for three months, for a month, for a week and so on. This will force you to actually go through with what you aim to achieve as there is now a time frame within which to complete your time. By when, should you have done what?
6. START
Just start. I don’t need to explain this. Just start your journey to your goal.
SOME KEY THINGS TO BEAR IN MIND AS THE YEAR GOES ON
Language is key
With this, I am saying that you need to watch how you write your goals. There is a big difference in:
In 2019 I will run 3 times a week
I will eat vegetables
Make more money
and this:
In 2019 I run 3 times a week
I eat vegatables
I make more money
The second is way more personal and makes the goal present. This means that there are no two ways about it, there is no room for excuses and you will do what you say you are. With the second list, you are calling it into existence and this makes all the difference.
You will fall short at times
Sometimes you will fall short and this is perfectly normal. It happens and that’s just life. What we need to realise is that failure does not mean the end of the world, it is actually a measure of where we are right now. It is not a measure of where we will be. Every successful [erson has fallen short, what matters is how you react after you have fallen short.
Accountability is key
Keep a record of what you are doing and what you have been doing. This will make it easier for you to check on your progress and will help you see all the progress you have made when self-doubt kicks in.
This can be done by keeping a journal or notebook and keeping a record of what you do, how you felt and where you have left off. This can also be done by getting a group of supporters who you can ask to keep a tab on you. Don’t let yourself down by letting what you have done fall by the wayside.
Gratitude will keep you moving
An attitude of gratitude will take you farther than you can even fathom. Be grateful for everything that happens when the year comes along.
A good way to keep a track of your gratitude would be to start a gratitude jar. You write one thing you must be grateful for each day and put it in a jar. This will help you to look at the positive things that happen in life and this will change how you look at things. Don’t underestimate the power of gratitude.
Do something every day
Small things add up to big things. That’s how you get ahead with what you want to achieve. Every journey of a thousand miles begins with a single footstep.
Have fun
This marks the end of 2018. This blog hopes to help you make 2019 a more personal year, a year full of adventures that you bring upon yourself. Have fun, make the New Year yours and I hope that I get to see you in 2019.
BLACK- WHITE- RICH- POOR- LIAR- CHEATER- THIEF- “SNAKE”- SNITCH- SMART- DUMB- UGLY- BEAUTIFUL- FAST- SLOW- PRACTICAL- FUNNY- ADVENTUROUS- and the list is endless.
We live in a world that is simply full of labels and this causes many people to forget who they are or actually hinders them from finding themselves and unlocking their true potential
In one group, an individual can be viewed as smart and loving, whilst in another group, they can be viewed as dumb and stingy. This can lead to a dichotomy in one’s character as well as identity confusion.
Labels in themselves are not all bad and destructive and they actually serve the purpose of categorising and making things easily identifiable.
Labels that I had been given by many people in my life actually defined me for a long time and I found myself becoming those labels. The phrase that began to control my every thought and action was:
“If you do something, you become that thing”
I won’t discredit this and refute the quote as there is some truth in it. If you lie, you become a liar, if you pass in school you become smart and if you steal you become a thief. The plague that is associated with labels, however, can be found in the very essence of this phrase.
Labels are given to us from a young age. When we are born people already ascribe labels to us based on how we look and actions that we perform and as we grow older, we are constantly told who we are and what will we be in the future.
PROBLEMS OF SOCIETAL LABELS
AFFECT THE MIND
If we take into account the fact that everything we see, HEAR, taste, smell and feel are processed in the brain, this can be seen as the entry point for both positive and negative labels.
Our brains are not programmed to decide between good or bad labels as they appear the same to our mind. With this in mind, when good labels make us feel some kind of way, the negative labels are then accepted as well. This leads to a lot of mental health problems like depression, anxiety, social awkwardness and the like. Labels make us question ourselves and our actions. This can lead to self-doubt and uncertainty.
2. BECOME SELF-FULFILLING
The urban dictionary defines self-fulfilling prophecy as:
Positive or negative expectations about circumstances, events, or people that may affect a persons behavior toward them in a manner that he or she (unknowingly) creates situations in which those expectations are fulfilled.
An innocent man is put into prison for something he did not do. After constantly being called a murderer, rapist or any other term associated with criminals, it has been noticed that the individual will eventually begin to believe that they are a criminal. Their actions and behaviour will actually represent those of the label that has been assigned to him.
A below average student is placed into the top stream of his class. After constant exposure to the preferential treatment that he is given by the top stream teachers in comparison to bottom stream teachers, his grades begin to steadily improve and he begins to achieve higher grades. His vocabulary and reasoning change too and he becomes more mature.
Labels actually begin to define the individual and all that they do as constant exposure to the said label makes them think and act according to the expected behaviour. This can be good if the individual listens to positive and constructive labels, however, if the labels are negative, they can foster antisocial behaviour.
3. LIMIT ABILITY
Labels are a limit to the intrinsic potential that we all possess inside of us. When we become defined by labels that are given to us, these labels begin to colour and dominate our inner identity and belief in ourselves.
There is a sense of hopelessness that is created when we are given negative labels. The same happens we come across a norm that does not encourage originality and initiative.
It is unfortunate that people lose their way and their identity simply because someone told them that they could not do what they wanted over and over again.
Detrimental labels become barriers to what we can achieve. They have become non-existent barriers that are entrenched in the mind and become a real hardship as these labels take root in the false world and identity that is created.
I always knew it would not work. What did i expect? I am skinny and too small and yet everyone else that is doing this is big and muscular
All seemingly normal labels come with specific expectations and connotations. These expectations then serve to create certain behaviours that will conform to the expectations that have been placed by other people.
4. DANGEROUS
The most dangerous thing about labels is that they creep up on you slowly. Like cancer, the limitations and behaviour change start small and unnoticeable and unlike cancer, they are noticed when it is a bit too late.
They become “truths” that we begin to believe and actually begin to conform to. We find ourselves settling for less than we deserve and behaving in ways that are contrary to our true ideals simply because other people have imprinted their false images on us.
We begin to believe that:
If others see it, then surely it must be true and I might as well act that way.
5. MAKE YOU POWERLESS
Labels take away our accountability for the actions that we perform. Labels become a pivot against which we can blame others and our apparent label for any mistakes and errors that become “part of our nature”.
As this happens over long periods of time, we lose the urge and drive to break through the labels and fail to recreate ourselves in this ever-changing universe that we find ourselves in.
6. LIMITS OUR PERCEPTION
Social labels create a black and white for us.
It is either you are this or that
Labels are like a great load, restricting our freedom of thought and making us less creative as we follow everyone else. There is no room for alternatives and other ways of thinking.
Labels limit us to the set standards and ways of solving problems that we may be faced with. There are many ways to skin a cat and solve an issue. Labels also take away from the fact that not everything is a yes or no situation.
They also make us ignore any other things that could be affecting an individual. Statements like ” they are just LAZY” and more take away from the bigger picture and actually reduce that other person and all that they are going through.
7. BREED COMPARISON
Comparing one’s life to another’s is a major cause for suicide the world over. Many victims believe that their life is less satisfying when compared to other people’s lives.
Labels take away the unique and intrinsic characteristics that can be found within oneself. As we become objectified by our labels, we begin to look at our outward differences and the world that we live in.
Labels make us forget all our strengths and focus on our shortcomings and this is not good as we all have different gifts and capabilities.
Labels, especially the negative ones that are poured upon us by society are not good and actually serve to hold us back and keep us well below where we deserve to be. They are usually passed in by small minded people who are not as confident in themselves and thus aim to break others down by demeaning them. Look out for these people and labels that hold you back and begin the journey to break past them.
We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.
Aristotle
Now with the blog beginning with this universally used quote that is generally used to promote hard work and persistence, I can imagine that many would be rolling their eyes and imagining:
“HERE WE GO AGAIN! ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE BLOGS THAT IS GOING TO TELL ME THAT I AM NOT WORKING HARD ENOUGH AND I WILL NOT BE EXCELLENT DUE TO A LACK OF HABITS.”
That’s not the point of this blog at all. I want to simplify and demistify what the concept of habits is all about and also give a clearer path that will help in successfully creating and maintaining a habit. I want to make the process easier and highlight that forming and breaking habits is not for the smart, successful, old, rich or broken people.
It’s for everyone and the journey to creating a habit can be enlightening , fun and exciting at the same time. Think of creating a habit as a trip to an exotic resort, one full of new discoveries. The only difference is that your mind is the map, your body is the vehicle and the habit you want to create is the destination.
What is a habit
“That boy has a bad habit of…”
“She is developing this habit…”
“He seems to have a good habit of…”
“It is evident that he a … habit”
“… is becoming habitual”
Considering that almost everything we do is attributed to a habit or a habitual pattern, no one really explains to us or teaches us what habits are, how they are formed and how to break them. Habits have become this mystical and unknown thing, and yet they play such an important role in our lives and this is made worse by the idea that habits are all intrinsic and we can not do much to alter, change or destroy them.
Now we get into a mindset that is forced to accept those bad habits and one that does not look to create new ones. An “it is what it is” attitude develops and thus a lot of people do not realise their full potential. One thing that we do not realise is that the habit that you call intrinsic at this moment, came out of something that you did repeatedly, under specific conditions, that has now become second-nature. A lot of the time we are actually not aware that we are making or breaking habits and for me that’s the saddest part of it all.
a habit is defined as:
“A settled or regular tendency or practice, especially one that is hard to give up.”
This is a dictionary definition. No wonder so many people think that habit formation or destruction is close to impossible. The only thing that we learn from this definition is that it is something we do a lot and it is hard to give up (talk about negativity from the onset!) Before we even get to talk about how satisfying habits can be, we are already talking about how difficult they are to give up (well thank you internet for empowering us.)
I would define a habit as “an action that is triggered by specific environmental cues that becomes automatic as time goes on.”
HOW TO CREATE A HABIT
PICK THE ACTION
Well now I know that this may seem obvious, but you would be surprised at how important actually picking the action is. I personally feel that this is actually the most important step to forming a habit (or breaking one).
Picking the action involves thinking about what it is that you actually want to incorporate into your life on a daily or regular basis. This is picking the one thing that you as an individual actually want to become a part of who you are. Picking an action is deliberately looking at yourself and deciding to add something into your life.
This can stem from simply choosing to brush your teeth before you sleep everyday, reading a book every day, going for a walk or jog everyday, and so on. The list is endless and that’s the beauty of it, however, that’s also where people get trapped (they don’t pick an action or they pick too many actions to incorporate at one time).
No action is too small.
The main objective of picking a habit is to look deep into who you are as a person and identifying something that will help you become the person you want to become.
Lately, I have developed a habit of walking extra slowly when I come to the realisation that my day is very frantic and I am feeling rushed. I have found that this habit calms me down and allows me to think more clearly. I mention this habit in particular because it shows how simple a habit can be, and the impact that even this small habit can bring about a huge change.
2. ASK YOURSELF WHY? TO WHAT END?
This stage goes hand in hand with the first stage, however, I separated the stages because they are both important on their own.
This stage is the cement between the action that you have picked and the actual process of making it a habit.
This is your drive. Your reason “why” is your motivation and the reason that you want the action to become a part of who you are. This question makes the action more attainable and achievable. It is where the worth of your choice is hidden and the greatest part is that no one else in the world has to understand your reason.
You ask yourself:
“Why do I want to do this action on a regular basis?”
” Why do I want it to become a part of who I am?”
“What do I hope to gain from doing this regularly?”
Six months ago I decided to start reading my Bible and praying as soon as I woke up every single day. I would do this before making my bed or even brushing my teeth. It would be the first thing I did as soon as I opened up my eyes. I had picked the action, and now I needed to ask myself why I wanted to do this particular thing every day for the rest of my life. This was my reason: ” I believe in God and his Son, Jesus Christ, and I firmly believe that he has played a very vital part in my life for me to be the person I am today. I wanted to strengthen my relationship and build a connection with him on a more personal and deep level.” This was my motivation to wake up every day and do it consistently till this day.
3. PLAN THE HABIT
You have the intended action and you have asked yourself why you are starting this action and the reason you want it to become a habit.
The next step is the planning process.
The secret to planning a habit is to break down every single aspect of your habit to its simplest form. The more precise you are in the actual planning of the habit, the easier it will be to actually follow through with it. This becomes your plan of attack.
Some things to think about when planning your habit:
Time of day.
How long you want to do it for.
It must be daily.
Whether you can add it to an existing activity.
It must be Simple, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, Time-oriented.
4. START
Now you have actually planned your action and you are ready to begin.
Go out there and start the action. Put it onto the pitch and actually do it. There is no point deciding what you want to do, asking yourself why you want to do it and planning the action to the smallest detail, only to then stop at the action bit.
The habit will not form by some miracle. It will not just float into your life and come to stay. Nothing happens on its own and everything needs action in order to happen.
The sooner you begin the habit, the sooner it will stick.
5. REWARD YOURSELF
This could actually be the most controversial part of actually making an action become a habit because if it is done wrongly, you risk the chance of messing it up.
When I first read up on rewarding yourself after performing your intended habit I was confused. I thought, “So after I do something, I must give myself a golden star for doing it”.
I began thinking of all the sweets and delicacies that I absolutely love. I would be getting something nice for doing for doing something that will benefit me in the future, a win-win for me.
Sounds nice, doesn’t it?
But that’s not the point. The reward must be something that has a direct or close link to the habit. There must be a relation between the action and reward.
So I have been aiming to go to the gym three times a week and before I even go to the gym I have an idea of what my reward will be.
After gym I go and I eat my lunch.
Now that may sound funny, but that’s where the secret of the reward is. I do not wait to eat so that I can gym. I gym so that I can go and replenish the energy that I have used up in the gym with the food. There is a direct link between me going to the gym and eating afterwards.
The reward must be something that you can only get after doing the action. A reward serves as instant gratification and motivation to continue the action. The action moves away from being a task to being something that will bring joy and happiness.
6. GET SUPPORTERS
This is another important aspect of habit formation.
A team of supporters can go a long way in actually making your habit become a part of who you are. This will create a support system that will encourage the change and help you with any difficulties that you may face.
Having people on your side and supporting you will give you energy and increase your dedication when the times get hard and you do not feel like doing the act. They will be your daily dose of energy and motivation.
Notice how I said get supporters and not just publicize your habit. The difference is in the fact that not all people you will tell will actually want you to succeed. Pick your support system wisely and this will make all the difference. You are going to want people that are almost as into your idea as you are, people that will constantly check on where you are with regards to your habit and people that will motivate you when the times get tough.
6a. ACCOUNTABILITY
Linked with the idea of getting a support system is the concept of accountability.
Having a good support system will also make you more accountable for what you do and whether or not you actually follow through with it.
Accountability is a key aspect of habit formation because you need to be able to answer for whether you have been doing what you set out to do. A great way to ensure accountability is to keep a track record of what you are doing. This can be in the form of a journal, a notepad in which you keep a summary of what you have done or a calendar that you mark off every day.
7. SMALL STEPS
Building a habit is not a 100m sprint. Building a habit that will become a part of you is a marathon, and as such there is a need for patience and persistence.
This means taking small steps everyday towards building the habit that you want. This involves (at the very least) actually performing the action.
This means just performing the act in its simplest form, to begin with, and building on it from there. Try not to add too many variations or intricacies to your action as this will just cause an overload.
7a. CHECK POINTS
Many people usually say that 21 days to form a habit and 90 days to make it a lifestyle. A lot of the time these figures make people short-sighted with regards to forming a habit and it takes away from the actual benefit of forming a habit.
Instead of making these days the end of the habit formation process, they should be used as checkpoints along the way. They should be used as times to recollect and re-evaluate our progress on the journey of forming a habit. They should be used to see how far we have come and how much we have actually developed during the process.
These are the seven steps that need to be taken into consideration when you plan on forming a habit. I feel that they are the basic foundation for creating a positive change in your life.
Habits are an integral part of who you are and as such I urge you to form your own, ones that you feel will benefit you in the future and that will make your life yours.
Give life the upper cut it deserves by forming your own unique habit that expresses and symbolises who you are.
Young Old Soul 